Goals Shining LIke Sparkly Stars

What would life be like without goals? We might just wander aimlessly through the forest of life tripping over acorns and munching on questionable mushrooms. More likely we would fall into a deep sleep with no dreams which sounds too close to death to be worth it. So I have goals. The most recent goals that I have accomplished have been mundane which I find are the trickiest as there is so little motivation to pursue them.
The goals I have accomplished are
1. getting the oil changed in my Jeep
2. making an appointment for Jack to get his "big boy" operation.
More fun goals are
1. to sell my bags, cartoons and assorted handmade books at City Market
2. to send out Horse of Another Color to potential publishers
3. to complete a baby blanket I am making for a co-worker
4. to write a companion book to Fantastical Tales for the Heroine's Quest The wonder of goals is that they can shine like sparkly stars leading you through the day. They are not the same as responsibilities and, at best, do not come burdened with pressure. At least the goals I like best. And if one doesn't like a goal then why keep it?
That is the beauty of life- we create what we want with the caveat that if we cannot see how to get from Here to There it is unlikely we will be magically transported to There. Except sometimes we are. Always believe but mostly Do.

LIttle Prayers Coming True

And as I asked yesterday for HAPPY surprises so it came to be. Last night taking Jack for a walk I was turning back because I don't like to go too far at night when I saw a figure in the shadows. It was my husband, Jim coming to walk with me which he NEVER does. We turned back around and went on a very nice walk in the dark discussing politics and the state of the world. It was one of those little things in a day that make it special. And then once home I was dreading having to put the sheets, etc back on our bed and my daughter Marci's bed. Since I had been home sick and with no car I had done some laundry. I went to the dryer to retrieve our sheets and it was empty! Could it be? I rushed into Marci's room and there she was laying in bed with a big smile on her face. Of course, I peeked into my room and our bed was made, too. What a happy surprise- Marci made up both beds! She has never done this before and she warned me to not now expect it.
Gas prices might be sky high, the price of food escalating every day, people's minds might slowly slip away but tonight it was all softened with a special walk and a clean snuggly bed waiting. Thank you, God. (and Marci and Jim).

Surprises Indeed

In my last post I noted that life is full of surprises. Imagine my surprise then when my Jeep wouldn't start while we were parked at Sonic 15 miles from home last night. There was no surprise in realizing I couldn't fix it but I was surprised that the nice death metal drummer sent by Triple A couldn't jump it. Yet, he tells me he can jump on stage and has been known to play drums for four hours straight at an illegal 172 decibels with his band The Agony of I- the hours being straight, not him as he likes to indulge in chemicals, surprise, surprise. The sweet, pierced flatbed tow truck driver could not start the Jeep either but he did figure out how to roll up the electric windows so no need for trash bags and duct tape. 36 dollars later we found ourselves back home.
Of course, the story does not end there but goes on to include having to cancel my doctor's appointment for today, our repair man not being able to pick up the Jeep from our house until mid morning as his employees were all either late, on vacation or otherwise not there. This meant my husband could not drive me to work. Meanwhile I was now plagued by a number of physical ailments I won't agonize you or I with enumerating, but suffice it to say I couldn't go to work even if I had my Jeep.
The good news is that when we are flexible and trust in God emergencies are no more than surprises. When I set my intentions for the day and say quick prayers I think I have been clear I want HAPPY surprises but who can figure out the will of God?
I will end with a happy surprise so that you can leave this blog in a good mood. I have become better with technology and now there is a link on the upper right hand corner of this page where you can click to see my Myspace blog where I plan to share more personal events and in the future this blog will be more focused on issues other than the travails of my brilliantly lived crazy life.
Repeat with me, "Dear God, today, if it is alright with You I ask for HAPPY surprises!"

Alzheimer's on my Mind

My sister, Cheryl lent me a book - The Last Childhood: A Family Story of Alzheimer's which is one woman's story of her mother's Alzheimer's. It was sweet and sad. It read somewhat like my own life with my mother though Mom is not as advanced as I suppose she someday will be. I think of this blog and what I write of my mother and want to clarify that I do share the funny things that Mom says and does but please be assured she has always said quirky things and had funny stories. When I tell of her it is to honor who she has always been and who she remains to be for us. Do not think there are also not times of despair, heartbreak and the most awful fear.
Now when I drive to her house I feel myself shifting to another gear in my mind- a gear that is very gentle with no expectations. I carefullu brace myself when I go in her front door as she greets me with surprise that I have come- though I have been going there every Friday for about a year (every other Friday before that). Of course, she has no idea what day it is. She asks if Fall is near though her garden has just bloomed with the first flowers of Spring. She mentions she has not seen my brother Doug, who lived with her until March, and do I think he might still be at work. I remind her again, again, all eveving that he has moved to St. Loius, that Cheryl will be moving in, that yes, she wants to. We never run out of things to say because we repeat everything we say a dozens of times. It is not frusrating as I know this is her new reality, in the moment entirley. I am gentle and loving with her as I know she was with me when I couldn't yet figure out the world. The thing is, I was learning how to figure it out- she is going backwards and forgetting how. I got better, she gets worse.
When I leave her house I worry if she will be okay as night falls, the night upsets her but she goes to bed early. As I drive home I slowly reenter my own world.
My own world has its own curvy paths, hills and valleys. Last night I cheered myself thinking that I am only 51 and there is plenty of time to reinvent the future. I could imagine success with my crafts and writing, it is never too late. Then a dull bell clanged less deep in my mind then I would have preferred warning me that I might go the same path as my mother. The future might turn on me and start slipping away, every step I take swept away so that , like her I can only be in the eternal now with no future to build or past to rest upon. It is a scarey thought. But then life has always been like that- you can practice all the intentional thinking you like, you can know The Secret and still life unfolds as a constant surprise.
I enjoy my mother in a different way now. Holding her hand as she is surprised that it is Friday, that it is Spring, that Doug moved away and that Cheryl is moving in. Again and again and again.

Memorial Day Weekend

Today part of the family came over. We grilled Bratwurst and had loads of other food thanks to all who came! My big coup was getting help tricking out Myspace. Carl and Natalie were life savers regarding this. Anything is possible with friends.
Mom came, too with her best friend. She was in a good mood and if she was stressed or unusually confused one couldn't tell. It is only three weeks before my sister and her partner move in and not a moment too soon.
Oh, here is a funny story about Mom. Several weeks ago Marci, my daughter and I went to her house on a Friday night as usual. We had to get something for dinner and didn't want to spend a fortune and yet had to cater to Marci being vegetarian. We decided on what Marci and I call a Jesus dinner- crusty bread- like Italian or French, strawberries and cheese- somewhat similar to what Jesus ate-bread anyway, fruit and cheese. Anyway, it did seem to confuse Mom to have this strange fare being served as dinner. She couldn't make heads or tails out of it. We told her it was similar to what Jesus ate and she said...
here it comes....wait for it...
"Well, I guess Jesus and I just don't see eye to eye."
Isn't that the best? But today Mom had brats, cherry M and M's, brownies, chips, dip, salsa, olives, carrots and baby tomatoes and was in heaven, so to speak. I did mention that she hadn't been to visit the dead as she used to do on Memorial Day weekend and she said it doesn't bother her one bit because she can talk to the dead anytime she wants. And now if she could only remember what they said!

Oh, Deer!

Tonight I was walking my cairn terrier, Jack. He was busy sniifing the gorund and pulling this way and that on his leash when suddenly he looked across the street. I looked where he did to see a deer nearing the park bench that overlooks the bluff. It was so wonderful. You see, I live in the city, a very urban neighborhood except for the fact that we live across the street from a swath of woods- the forest I call it though it is not a true forest but a densely wooded area with trails. This may sound romantic but the trees along the trail have gang graffitti and in amongst the trees and vines you find such things as shoes, condoms, utensils, and once a shopping cart. It is an urban forest. But tonight there was a deer!

Elf Time

Oh, it is true, my Mother is not an elf, or at least I think it is true. The thing is she is so tiny now, her hair unruly but her smile is so genuine and her eyes still sparkle. She is part Irish and oh so magical.
Last night she was able to carry on legitimate conversations. She giggled when I told her about what she has done with me the last few weeks. She sometimes is quite panicked about losing her memory but most times she is logical and philosophical about it saying there is nothing she can do about it so why worry about it. I remind her all the time she has her children who are remembering for her, keeping her house in order and making sure she is okay.
Last night we went to Hobby Lobby where I talked her out of buying more yarn. Before her arthritis wrecked her right hand she was an avid needle worker. Growing up she made most of our clothes, crocheted, knitted, quilted, embroidered, etc. She misses all that now. I bought her an ergonmic crochet hook set for Christmas and last night set it out on her kitchen table with some of her yarn ( she must have over 100 skeins tucked here and there in her big old house). I figured if she saw it she might pick it up and try to crochet a little. In a moment of rare insight last night she said she likes to tell herself tht she could still crochet if in the right mood but she is afraid of actually trying because then this comforting rationalization would be put to the test and might fail. As long as she doesn't try she can go on believing. I told her to try anyway and if she can't she can just chalk it up to a bad arthritis day. As it is she won't remember trying some minutes later. She laughed, bless her heart.

Grey's Anatomy and Story

The Grey's Anatomy finale was awesome! I can't help but think the ending scenes were even better due to the soundtrack-so romantic! And what I liked is that the premise of the whole show was changing your story. Callie changed her story and followed her truest leanings when she kissed Erica. Meredith changed her story as she looked at her past and realized the legacy to carry on with from her mother was not to choose death and be an extraordinary surgeon but to be extraordinary in her personal life so she chose differently than her mother. She changed her story to make room for love and trust. Christina changed her story from being a victim to energizing her passion on her own terms rather than waiting for someone else to give her what she wanted. And George changed his story to also not be a victim accepting losing but to take the risk to ask for more. So timely. My story is changing in that I am much happier and less stressed as I move ahead with my creative goals in a fun way and attend to daily life demands findng the quiet joy in them.
Speaking to which; today I see my mother. Who knows what will happen with her. I am reminded of my book, Fantastical Tales for the Heroine's Quest; "When we live our lives as an adventure , we create stories that illustrate who we are." Here is a poem I wrote about Mom. The address has been changed to protect the innocent. Lol.

231 West 91st Terrace
You might think it’s a circus or where the fair is
You never know what you will find
Because my Mom lives there and she’s losing her mind!
Where are the checks? Have the bills been paid?
What’s for dinner? Have the waffles been made?
Is there any food for the dog or the cat?
It’s 80 degrees, crank up the thermostat!
The curtains that were hung at the window with care
Now cannot be found anywhere!
And who is the owner of all this underwear?
There is too much fruit and not one banana,
Where is the car- just ask Hannah!
Why is the backyard dark at night?
Get out the extension cord –let’s have light!
Whose hungry for nutty bars! Who wants tater tots?
Mom’s got a hammer- watch out flower pots!
Where are the scissors to cut the lawn?
Why is my son not home yet? Is he really gone?
Why do people keep traipsing through
All asking for dinner and eating snacks, too?
Mom gets fed up , decides to leave in her car
But since she doesn’t have one she never gets far.
This goes on every night and day!
But who cares it’s the new crazy way!
And in the end when all is said and done
It’s always fun at 231.

American Idol Finale

Whoa! What a finale that was! What a moment of joy to hear David Cook's name announced! Of course, it is totally deserved and right that he won but because of the negative comments the night before from the judges I didn't expect it. And I don't think Cook's performances on Tuesday night were his best but he does rock and I am so glad he won! Yeah for Kansas City and Blue Springs!!
And the rest of the show- well, I liked it. I know the critics have panned it- all the old acts, the silly promotions of movies and all. Maybe this shows my age but I enjoyed the performances. I loved seeing ZZ Top. What a treat it was for Brooke to get to sing with Graham Nash. I am certain she will get a record deal. And the Mike Myers movie looks very funny. Maybe one has to be a rabid fan of Mike Myers to appreciate his crazy guru character- who knew?
So all's well that ends well. Another season of American Idol over and this tme I will be excited to watch how the contestants progress in "real" life.

Creativity News

I have been reading The Power of Story: Rewrite Your Destiny in Business and in Life by Jim Loehr . Great book. It is about increasing awareness of the story you tell about your life and changing it. I felt I needed this as I get so internally pressured regarding my small business, Annie Razz Enterprises that I would procrastinate, feel guilty and then do things with a giant push, not always doing it as well as I could because the goal was to just Do It, as if the doing it was the goal rather than the task at hand. The book helped me recognise that what I really want is not to create a business but to bring my little creations to the world and hopefully have the world respond in a positive way. I reworked my mission statement and this is the new one:
"To be creative and magical and to have fun in all parts of my life and especially in giving life to velveteen rabbits (the metaphor I give to my creations). To do this is to brighten my soul's light, growing my soul on earth to more glorify and know God"
My new story is to have fun as I take steps, to enjoy the steps and not to be afraid of them. For the steps to be fun they have to grow organically out of the rest of my life. They need to mostly reflect the creative and magical qualities I value. In this way I will create my small buisness creatively and magically.
I have learned to make better photos for my items on sale at AnnieRazz.etsy.com, I have started this blog and just today I talked to the lady at City Market here in KCMO and have a meeting with her in early June! This means I should be soon selling my crafts at the City Market. I' m so excited. And it all comes so much easier now without the pressure, guilt or terror. Check out the link at the bottom of the page to see my Etsy shop!
Great news for the velveteen rabbits!

American Idol

Whoa! What a show last night- not at all what I expected. David Cook rocks, right? But not so much last night. Something was going on with that dude! Still he is my fave but if he doesn't win then who cares! He will still get a recording contract, he will still be on tour...maybe it is best if he doesn't win. As for David Archuletta-well, the bottom line is would I buy his music? No. It would be boring. Would I go watch him sing? No, not with his eyes closed and his dazed out dopey smile. Will Archuletta soar to new heights? Hardly likely. It will be interesting to watch it all go down.

Introducing Me!

Hey! Yeah! Here I am at last. I will blog here as often as possible on what ever is passioning my life. Right now it is work ( I am a psychotherapist), my mother (she has Alzheimer's), my writing (I have revised, again, my manuscript of Horse of Another Color), crafting ( just designed a new bag), and, well, that is about it for now. Of, of course American Idol (go-David Cook!) and Grey's Anatomy.
This last weekend I was at the Lit Fest in the Plaza here in KCMO selling my book Fantastical Tales for the Heroine's Quest . It was mucho fun sharing the booth with Lane and Louis Lambert who wrote Adventures in the Vortex and Lee Knox who wrote Ruminations from Rumania. Sold many books but it was a very long day with the sun searing and me going into a diabetic coma ( not really) drinking mocha frapacinnos and eating large, gooey chocolate chip cookies. Great fun.
See you next time!